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How do I Become More Self-Loving and Confident?

How do I Become More Self-Loving and Confident?

How do I Become More Self-Loving and Confident?

Dear Lucretia How Can I be More Self Loving?

Dear Lucretia,

How do I become more self-loving and confident? It’s dragging me down so much and I don’t feel good enough for anyone. I’ve tried so many things but my motivation always gets overpowered and nothing changes.

Sophia, 17 years old

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Dear Sophia, 
First of all, stop worrying about being good enough for someone else – that is not the ultimate prize in this game called life. The prize is accepting yourself as the beautiful and unique being you are, and never apologising for who you are.

Self-worth is something a lot of us struggle with (even me) so know that you’re not alone. But it can be worked on and improved. One of the most helpful things is to stop looking to other people to give you validation. I know we’re taught to seek the approval of others and we flourish when this happens. But life can’t be about them, it has to be about you.

I want you to go on a journey to work out who you are. Journaling is a great way to begin – and yes, I know you might be thinking, “How will writing down my trivial thoughts help anything?”

When we write (by hand, not on a computer or device), it is very hard to lie to ourselves about how we really feel. Instead, we are honest and vulnerable because we know that no one else will ever read our words. This suddenly makes it much easier to have all those feelings we think others will judge us for. So, write every day and just let your thoughts flow out. No one else is going to read it so be brutally honest.
 

My second suggestion is you spend more time focusing on what you love and are passionate about. I don’t care if it’s crochet, running, films from the 1940s or a charity you want to support. Find the thing that you love doing then prioritise it in your life. Do it every day if you want or schedule it in once a week. The most important thing is that you do it regularly because you feel good when you do it and you care about it. And, if you don’t know what your thing is yet, then try random activities every week until you find it. Trust me, it is out there. In fact, there is probably more than one thing that you will love.

Finally (and this might be difficult for you), I want you to catch yourself every time you feel guilty about investing this time in yourself. Your mind may tell you things like: “This journaling is a waste of time and nothing you have to say is interesting” or “You should be doing things for other people all the time instead of focusing on yourself – you’re so selfish.”

When you get these thoughts in your head, I want you to notice them and then say, “Thank you mind, but today I’m going to try something else.” Then keep going.

How will this help you to feel more self-loving and confident? Well, firstly journaling will help release all the emotional energy you are holding in your body. It will also help recognise how you really feel about things so you can start making decisions that are better for you (instead of serving other people’s interests all the time). This will also help you accept yourself more.

Secondly, focusing on what you love always makes us feel better and our passions light us up like nothing else can. Often, this helps us connect with other like-minded souls who are also passionate about the same things.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

dearlucretia.com can men and women be friends

Dear Lucretia,

I find it difficult to be friends with males. There’s always some awkwardness because either one could develop feelings for the other. This leads to one party getting disappointed.

I don’t have many guy friends and I would really like to try but how do I be friends with men when it seems to always lead to sex? 

Meg, 26 years old

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Dear Meg,

This is a common question many of us have asked over the years – can men and women ever just be friends without sex getting in the way?

Fundamentally, I feel the answer is: boundaries. When we connect with another human being, we choose what boundaries we put in place around how we interact. These can include whether we allow people to touch us in certain ways (e.g. you might be a hugger or not) and whether we are comfortable discussing certain topics, or not.

There is an old saying that if you’re talking to a man about sex then he is thinking about having sex, with you. I suspect this may be true in some cases. But does that mean you shouldn’t discuss certain topics, like sex, when you are with male friends? I think the answer once again, is boundaries.

Unfortunately, many women are not taught how to identify their own boundaries or communicate them to other people. This leads to miscommunication when we think they should just know what is okay and what is not. But how can they know unless they are mind readers? [Note, this perspective does NOT accommodate violent or harassing behaviour by men. If they believe that type of behaviour is acceptable, no amount of boundary-setting by you will change that.]

I feel that women and men can be friends as long as the boundaries are clearly communicated and respected on both sides. So, if you want be just friends with a guy, then I would make that clear through your words and actions from the outset.


And if you feel he over-steps a boundary then you need to kindly but firmly let him know immediately. Remember, you are not responsible for his hurt feelings if you reject his advances. If he is a grown-up with some level of emotional maturity, he will accept your “No, thank you” and understand it’s not meant to be.

Of course, it is possible that a friendship may lead to sex – there are lots of romantic relationships that start this way. But the key, as always, is to be clear about what you want from the start. If you only want friendship and he doesn’t respect that boundary, then it would be a good idea to step back from that connection.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

He Slept With Her But Says He Wants Me

He Slept With Her But Says He Wants Me

He Slept With Her But Says He Wants Me

dearlucretia.com he likes me but slept with her

Dear Lucretia,

How do I know if a boy really likes me? He told me he did at a house party then slept with someone else.

Now he’s saying it was a mistake and will never happen again.

Rosie, 17 years old

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Dear Rosie,

Run, run, run away from this boy and don’t look back. If he was serious about you, he would not have slept with someone else. That’s not how it works.

Yes, I understand you weren’t going out at the time but I think you need to ask yourself, what kind of guy do you want to be with? This is the time when you choose. 

Do you want to be with someone who says he likes you and makes it clear he is not interested in anyone else? Or do you want to waste your time with someone who says he likes you until he gets a better offer, then comes back to you?

Rosie, you deserve better than this.

Don’t wait for him to choose you when it’s convenient for him and don’t accept second best. If a guy really likes you, he will show you consistently and won’t leave you in any doubt about how he feels.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

How Can I Value Myself More?

How Can I Value Myself More?

How Can I Value Myself More?

How do I Value Myself More Dearlucretia.com

Dear Lucretia,

How can I value myself more?

Over the past five years, I’ve overcome a lot of personal obstacles and worked hard on my mental health but I still don’t see the worth and value others see in me. I don’t see myself as someone to be proud of. How can I feel better about who I am and be happy? 

Kara, 17 years old

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Dear Kara,

Many of us struggle for a long time to see our own value and it doesn’t feel fair sometimes that other people can see what we don’t.

Self-worth is a tricky thing that needs to be built from the ground up. And if you’ve had a shaky start, for whatever reason, it will take a while to build. But that’s okay. Understand that it isn’t a race. It is a journey. I know that might sound annoying because we live in a world where we’re taught that things must be fixed instantly so we can move on quickly. But real life isn’t like that. 

Every human being on this planet is valuable and worthy. The challenge is to discover this knowledge within yourself. 

Perhaps you could start by sitting with the idea of giving and receiving. Many sensitive souls (like you) think you must give and give and give more, to be worthy. But that is only part of the story. Giving and receiving must be a cycle that goes out and returns, then goes out again. You must give to yourself and receive from others, just as much as you give out. Only then will things be balanced. 

Find a cause you care about, something you want to help with – it might be a charity, a group or something similar. Focus your energy on that cause and your desire to make a difference and help others (humans, animals, the environment, etc.). But, for every contribution you make, I want you to give something back to yourself too. It might be you allow yourself to say “Thank you” and accept a compliment from someone (instead of brushing it off). You could gift yourself time to do something you love or maybe just have a nap because you are tired and will feel better for it. 

I know these things might sound silly and trivial but I assure you, they are not. Practising the art of giving and receiving, with the knowledge that you are an important and valuable part of that cycle, is a healthy way to live your life. It will also ensure that you don’t burn out. 

I’m guessing from your letter that it might feel uncomfortable to give to yourself in this way. But practice makes perfect. And no, before you ask, giving to yourself as much as you give to others is not selfish. It is healthy because ensuring your needs are met first, will ensure you can continue to help others. As they say on the planes, put on your own oxygen mask first before you help the person next to you. 

I hope my advice helps you Kara. You are a wonderful human being who absolutely deserves lots of love and joy in your life. 

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

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