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Does Using Tinder Make Me a Slut?

Does Using Tinder Make Me a Slut?

Does Using Tinder Make Me a Slut?

Dear Lucretia, does he like me?

Dear Lucretia,

I’ve recently moved out and I’m feeling like with all those years living at home, I’ve missed out on exploring sex and being open. But I am also conflicted and wondering does using Tinder and anything else make me a bit of a slut? Is upping my number (sexually) something I want to do and have to deal with? Do you have any advice or suggestions? 

Breanna, 28 years old

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Dear Breanna, 
Your number, whether it is one or 61 or 101, is no one else’s business but your own. I don’t care who asks, you don’t ever have to share that information with a lover, a friend or anyone else. 

honestly feel the word slut should be removed from dictionaries altogether because if you take it to mean – a woman who sleeps with a lot of men/too many men/is too free with her sexuality – then that is just BS as far as I am concerned.  

You are a woman with sexual desires and it is completely healthy that you want to explore that.

What can sometimes be problematic with Tinder and casual sex is how women explore that freedom because if we don’t keep our wits about us, we can get ourselves into unsafe situations.  

With the safety aspect, we can be really naïve about what could happen to us. When you add alcohol and drugsour defences go down and it can go very bad. So be smart and listen to your intuition at all times. If something feels off, walk away. Don’t question it, just walk. Checking in with yourself is a good way to help you stay safe.  

If you’re going back to their place, know that you’ll be in their environment. This makes you a more vulnerable. Always tell someone where you’re going and who you are meeting.  

Always have the condom conversation (take one with you) and make sure he wears it and keeps it on for the duration.  

The number of men who still try to avoid wearing condoms is complete BS – I can’t believe we still need to have that conversation. If he won’t wear it then he doesn’t value his health or yours. This is a big red flag and a good reason to walk away. I don’t care how hot he is – your health is more important than some casual sex that results in an STI or an unwanted pregnancy.  

Breanna, go out there and do what feels good for you. Be safe and enjoy your sexuality without guilt. It’s your right as a woman to do so. 

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

My Boyfriend Chooses Porn Over Me

My Boyfriend Chooses Porn Over Me

My Boyfriend Chooses Porn Over Me

Dear Lucretia,

My boyfriend would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he says it’s normal and I should just get over it. But it’s really affecting my confidence.

Is it normal or am I just not sexy or pretty enough?

Lucy, 23 years old

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Dear Lucy,

Porn is a common topic of conversation online these days. Everyone knows about it and most people have watched some of it. 

I want to make a couple of points upfront relating to porn. Masturbation is a healthy thing and many men and women, as individuals and in relationships, use porn in healthy ways to augment their sexual lives. But, the porn industry with its influence on sexuality and how men and women relate to each other, has also created negative impacts.

Lucy, what you’re experiencing in your relationship is definitely not healthy. I want to be clear about using that word ‘healthy’ because words like normal or not normal are very subjective. It’s very clear from your letter that you and your intimate partner are not connecting to each other in a healthy way when it comes to sex. I also want to make it really clear, Lucy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are sexy and beautiful. What is going on in your relationship has nothing to do with how you look or how you are showing up. Instead, this is about how your partner is thinking about sex and not connecting to you in a sexual, intimate way.

There is no doubt that porn has negative impacts on how some people, particularly young people, view sexual activities and relationships. Some early studies show boys, who are exposed to porn from an early age and then consistently exposed to it over the years, experience challenges when they begin connecting with women sexually, as young men. These issues include erectile dysfunction.

One reason this may be occurring is because boys and young men believe what they see depicted in porn is real. But it’s not, it is only acting. However, when your mind has become accustomed to viewing things a certain way, you may experience cognitive dissonance when you are confronted by a real-life woman. That is, your mind may struggle with what you think should be happening versus reality.

Porn also commodifies sex and female bodies while displaying women in ways that are unrealistic regarding how we respond to sexual advances. Let’s face it, porn can show women enjoying some activities but as a woman you might think, “Hell no! That is not enjoyable for me.” In fact, if a guy attempted it, you would run a mile. But in the porn video, it looks like women are turned on by that activity. Then a young guy watches it and thinks it’s real.

Porn also shows women who physically look a certain way and this is often not based in reality either. Many porn stars have plastic surgery and body modifications to look a certain way. Once again, when a guy is later confronted with a real-life female who doesn’t look like that, his mind thinks, “What’s going on? Is this normal?”

Another unfortunate impact is that young women watching porn believe they should physically look like the porn stars and when they don’t, they develop body image and self-esteem issues. Some then seek out plastic surgery to fix something that was never broken in the first place.

We’re not supposed to look the same and we don’t all like the same things when it comes to sex. We are all unique and we all respond differently. And everyone looks different when we take our clothes off. This is reality. But unfortunately, with overexposure to porn from a young age, there can be a discord between what young men believe is normal and the reality of connecting with a woman sexually. This creates problems.

Lucy, if your partner would prefer to engage with porn instead of having sex with a live, breathing human who loves him, is horny and is standing in front of him, there is a problem.

But the problem is not you.

However, there is clearly a problem with how you connect intimately and it’s not healthy. Until he is ready to understand and accept this is an issue, and agrees to work on it, nothing will change. This isn’t a good sign for your relationship.

Sex in a relationship is more than just the physical act – it is about connection. Porn in your situation is creating and facilitating disconnection. When your partners chooses to sit alone, in front of a screen and get himself off versus connecting sexually with you, he is not making a healthy choice for your intimate relationship.

Lucy, spend some time alone and get clear about how you would like to connect intimately with your partner. What feels good and healthy for you? Then sit down and have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and how you want to connect.

If he’s not willing to connect with you intimately in the way you need, then you have your answer about where your relationship is going (i.e. not in a positive direction). Please don’t accept it when he tells you it’s normal because you know it’s not healthy and that’s why you’re questioning it.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

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