Why do I get Jealous all the Time?

Why do I get Jealous all the Time?

Why do I get Jealous all the Time?

Dear Lucretia,

Why am I always jealous even when he chooses me over and over again?

Mari, 17 years old

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Dear Mari, 
A lot of women and girls experience jealousy and I think it is an inside job. Basically, jealousy is a reflection of all the negative things we believe about ourselves. We take all those beliefs and stories, and then project them out onto the people around us.

I’m going to start with the premise that your guy is doing all the right things. He’s not flirting with other girls, has good boundaries and always lets you know that you’re a priority for him. But, if he’s ticking all these boxes, is respectful and doing everything right, why the jealousy?

I’m guessing you realise your jealousy isn’t logical. But it’s not about logic, is it?

Jealousy reflects how we feel about ourselves.

Mari, do you put your guy on a pedestal and feel like he is too good for you? If so, I want to let you know, he’s not. He’s definitely not too good for you. He is also not perfect. I know you might think he is, and he may have many fabulous qualities. In fact, I’m sure he does if you really care about him. But I can assure you of one fundamental truth: he is not perfect because no human being is perfect. He has flaws just like you and me.

When you look at him and think he is the most perfect person, you’re not good enough for him and he is better than you deserve, I want you to catch yourself having those thoughts. Then remind yourself that those thoughts are not true. They are only a story you are telling yourself. He is not perfect but, he might be perfect for you.

If you decide to leave him on that pedestal, one day he will fall off because he is human. That will be a really difficult and disappointing day for you and a very uncomfortable day for him as well. Give him a break, take him off the pedestal and recognise that he’s not perfect.

Secondly, let’s look more closely at those jealous thoughts. These might include, “they want what I have”, “they’re going to take what I have”, “I’m not as good as that person”, etc.

Your guy might be talking to other girls and you will be thinking, “I just want them to get away from him!” But, if he’s just being friendly and acting like a normal human being, then your thoughts are coming from a place of not feeling good enough.

Culturally, we are taught to compete with other girls and women. This is unhealthy and it’s no wonder we experience feelings of jealousy and insecurity when we see them around the guys we care about.

I want you to step back, look at yourself and work really work hard on recognising the things about you that are unique and beautiful. I am sure you have lots of amazing qualities. Remember, sometimes other people love the things we don’t like about ourselves. For example, you might have an unusual laugh that always helps other people to laugh more. You don’t like it, but they think it’s fantastic. You might dislike part of your body but other people will think, “Oh my God, I wish that I had that.” This is how insecurity works. We look at ourselves and believe we are lacking in some way. But it’s all just a story we tell ourselves to make sure we stay small instead of recognising we are amazing. And yes Mari, you are amazing. 

Look around your interior world and the stories you are telling yourself about who you are. I’m sure a lot of those stories are completely untrue. It’s quite possible the stories you are telling yourself about other girls are also untrue.

Remember, people can have friendly conversations but that doesn’t mean there’s a romantic underlying theme. If your guy can talk to other people easily then he has strong social skills and that helps to make him a good partner.

A lot of people experience jealousy and it’s something we really need to work on. It helps when you understand that it’s an inside job starting with you and we don’t need to compete with other girls and women.

And one more thing…those girls are probably not even be looking at your guy in a romantic way. Instead, it’s likely they are worrying about how they look, if they should have worn a different outfit or a different pair of shoes, or if the other guy across the room is looking at them. This is how our minds work. It’s crazy, isn’t it?

I hope this advice helps you Mari.

Lots of love,

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