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Does Using Tinder Make Me a Slut?

Does Using Tinder Make Me a Slut?

Does Using Tinder Make Me a Slut?

Dear Lucretia, does he like me?

Dear Lucretia,

I’ve recently moved out and I’m feeling like with all those years living at home, I’ve missed out on exploring sex and being open. But I am also conflicted and wondering does using Tinder and anything else make me a bit of a slut? Is upping my number (sexually) something I want to do and have to deal with? Do you have any advice or suggestions? 

Breanna, 28 years old

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Dear Breanna, 
Your number, whether it is one or 61 or 101, is no one else’s business but your own. I don’t care who asks, you don’t ever have to share that information with a lover, a friend or anyone else. 

honestly feel the word slut should be removed from dictionaries altogether because if you take it to mean – a woman who sleeps with a lot of men/too many men/is too free with her sexuality – then that is just BS as far as I am concerned.  

You are a woman with sexual desires and it is completely healthy that you want to explore that.

What can sometimes be problematic with Tinder and casual sex is how women explore that freedom because if we don’t keep our wits about us, we can get ourselves into unsafe situations.  

With the safety aspect, we can be really naïve about what could happen to us. When you add alcohol and drugsour defences go down and it can go very bad. So be smart and listen to your intuition at all times. If something feels off, walk away. Don’t question it, just walk. Checking in with yourself is a good way to help you stay safe.  

If you’re going back to their place, know that you’ll be in their environment. This makes you a more vulnerable. Always tell someone where you’re going and who you are meeting.  

Always have the condom conversation (take one with you) and make sure he wears it and keeps it on for the duration.  

The number of men who still try to avoid wearing condoms is complete BS – I can’t believe we still need to have that conversation. If he won’t wear it then he doesn’t value his health or yours. This is a big red flag and a good reason to walk away. I don’t care how hot he is – your health is more important than some casual sex that results in an STI or an unwanted pregnancy.  

Breanna, go out there and do what feels good for you. Be safe and enjoy your sexuality without guilt. It’s your right as a woman to do so. 

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

Does he Like me?

Does he Like me?

Does he Like me?

Dear Lucretia, does he like me?

Dear Lucretia,

How can I tell if a boy likes me back?

Zara, 17 years old

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Dear Zara, 
A boy who likes you, will make time for you.

He will want to get to know who you are, what you like, what you don’t like and how you spend your time. He will be interested in what you have to say and will want to talk you. Even if he is a shy guy, he will still do these things to show he is interested. You might find that he looks over at you a lot and makes excuses to be near you. 

Remember, don’t be fooled by the old stories that if a boy is mean to you, he likes you. This is untrue. If a boy is rude, mean or disrespectful, that is your cue to walk away from him because he is not worthy of you.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

dearlucretia.com can men and women be friends

Dear Lucretia,

I find it difficult to be friends with males. There’s always some awkwardness because either one could develop feelings for the other. This leads to one party getting disappointed.

I don’t have many guy friends and I would really like to try but how do I be friends with men when it seems to always lead to sex? 

Meg, 26 years old

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Dear Meg,

This is a common question many of us have asked over the years – can men and women ever just be friends without sex getting in the way?

Fundamentally, I feel the answer is: boundaries. When we connect with another human being, we choose what boundaries we put in place around how we interact. These can include whether we allow people to touch us in certain ways (e.g. you might be a hugger or not) and whether we are comfortable discussing certain topics, or not.

There is an old saying that if you’re talking to a man about sex then he is thinking about having sex, with you. I suspect this may be true in some cases. But does that mean you shouldn’t discuss certain topics, like sex, when you are with male friends? I think the answer once again, is boundaries.

Unfortunately, many women are not taught how to identify their own boundaries or communicate them to other people. This leads to miscommunication when we think they should just know what is okay and what is not. But how can they know unless they are mind readers? [Note, this perspective does NOT accommodate violent or harassing behaviour by men. If they believe that type of behaviour is acceptable, no amount of boundary-setting by you will change that.]

I feel that women and men can be friends as long as the boundaries are clearly communicated and respected on both sides. So, if you want be just friends with a guy, then I would make that clear through your words and actions from the outset.


And if you feel he over-steps a boundary then you need to kindly but firmly let him know immediately. Remember, you are not responsible for his hurt feelings if you reject his advances. If he is a grown-up with some level of emotional maturity, he will accept your “No, thank you” and understand it’s not meant to be.

Of course, it is possible that a friendship may lead to sex – there are lots of romantic relationships that start this way. But the key, as always, is to be clear about what you want from the start. If you only want friendship and he doesn’t respect that boundary, then it would be a good idea to step back from that connection.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

He Slept With Her But Says He Wants Me

He Slept With Her But Says He Wants Me

He Slept With Her But Says He Wants Me

dearlucretia.com he likes me but slept with her

Dear Lucretia,

How do I know if a boy really likes me? He told me he did at a house party then slept with someone else.

Now he’s saying it was a mistake and will never happen again.

Rosie, 17 years old

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Dear Rosie,

Run, run, run away from this boy and don’t look back. If he was serious about you, he would not have slept with someone else. That’s not how it works.

Yes, I understand you weren’t going out at the time but I think you need to ask yourself, what kind of guy do you want to be with? This is the time when you choose. 

Do you want to be with someone who says he likes you and makes it clear he is not interested in anyone else? Or do you want to waste your time with someone who says he likes you until he gets a better offer, then comes back to you?

Rosie, you deserve better than this.

Don’t wait for him to choose you when it’s convenient for him and don’t accept second best. If a guy really likes you, he will show you consistently and won’t leave you in any doubt about how he feels.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

My Boyfriend Chooses Porn Over Me

My Boyfriend Chooses Porn Over Me

My Boyfriend Chooses Porn Over Me

Dear Lucretia,

My boyfriend would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he says it’s normal and I should just get over it. But it’s really affecting my confidence.

Is it normal or am I just not sexy or pretty enough?

Lucy, 23 years old

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Dear Lucy,

Porn is a common topic of conversation online these days. Everyone knows about it and most people have watched some of it. 

I want to make a couple of points upfront relating to porn. Masturbation is a healthy thing and many men and women, as individuals and in relationships, use porn in healthy ways to augment their sexual lives. But, the porn industry with its influence on sexuality and how men and women relate to each other, has also created negative impacts.

Lucy, what you’re experiencing in your relationship is definitely not healthy. I want to be clear about using that word ‘healthy’ because words like normal or not normal are very subjective. It’s very clear from your letter that you and your intimate partner are not connecting to each other in a healthy way when it comes to sex. I also want to make it really clear, Lucy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are sexy and beautiful. What is going on in your relationship has nothing to do with how you look or how you are showing up. Instead, this is about how your partner is thinking about sex and not connecting to you in a sexual, intimate way.

There is no doubt that porn has negative impacts on how some people, particularly young people, view sexual activities and relationships. Some early studies show boys, who are exposed to porn from an early age and then consistently exposed to it over the years, experience challenges when they begin connecting with women sexually, as young men. These issues include erectile dysfunction.

One reason this may be occurring is because boys and young men believe what they see depicted in porn is real. But it’s not, it is only acting. However, when your mind has become accustomed to viewing things a certain way, you may experience cognitive dissonance when you are confronted by a real-life woman. That is, your mind may struggle with what you think should be happening versus reality.

Porn also commodifies sex and female bodies while displaying women in ways that are unrealistic regarding how we respond to sexual advances. Let’s face it, porn can show women enjoying some activities but as a woman you might think, “Hell no! That is not enjoyable for me.” In fact, if a guy attempted it, you would run a mile. But in the porn video, it looks like women are turned on by that activity. Then a young guy watches it and thinks it’s real.

Porn also shows women who physically look a certain way and this is often not based in reality either. Many porn stars have plastic surgery and body modifications to look a certain way. Once again, when a guy is later confronted with a real-life female who doesn’t look like that, his mind thinks, “What’s going on? Is this normal?”

Another unfortunate impact is that young women watching porn believe they should physically look like the porn stars and when they don’t, they develop body image and self-esteem issues. Some then seek out plastic surgery to fix something that was never broken in the first place.

We’re not supposed to look the same and we don’t all like the same things when it comes to sex. We are all unique and we all respond differently. And everyone looks different when we take our clothes off. This is reality. But unfortunately, with overexposure to porn from a young age, there can be a discord between what young men believe is normal and the reality of connecting with a woman sexually. This creates problems.

Lucy, if your partner would prefer to engage with porn instead of having sex with a live, breathing human who loves him, is horny and is standing in front of him, there is a problem.

But the problem is not you.

However, there is clearly a problem with how you connect intimately and it’s not healthy. Until he is ready to understand and accept this is an issue, and agrees to work on it, nothing will change. This isn’t a good sign for your relationship.

Sex in a relationship is more than just the physical act – it is about connection. Porn in your situation is creating and facilitating disconnection. When your partners chooses to sit alone, in front of a screen and get himself off versus connecting sexually with you, he is not making a healthy choice for your intimate relationship.

Lucy, spend some time alone and get clear about how you would like to connect intimately with your partner. What feels good and healthy for you? Then sit down and have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and how you want to connect.

If he’s not willing to connect with you intimately in the way you need, then you have your answer about where your relationship is going (i.e. not in a positive direction). Please don’t accept it when he tells you it’s normal because you know it’s not healthy and that’s why you’re questioning it.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

Worried About my Mum

Worried About my Mum

Worried About my Mum

dearlucretia.com new relationship guilts

Dear Lucretia,

I’ve had a boyfriend now for about two months and have stopped spending all my free time with my Mum. I feel really guilty about it.

I keep thinking that she might be at home all by herself while I’m out having a good time. I have been at home with her for most of my life as I don’t have many friends and now, all of a sudden, I spend a lot of my time away from her. How can I make myself feel less guilty? 

Izzie, 22 years old

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Dear Izzie,

It is lovely that you care about your Mum’s well-being and want to ensure she is happy and content. But, it is also very natural and healthy for you to explore romantic relationships at your age. Staying at home all the time, just in case your Mum feels lonely, is not an ideal approach.

Don’t forget, your Mum had her own life before you were born. As you begin to spread your wings out in the world, she is possibly using this time to reconnect with herself and the things she loves to do. 

Sometimes children believe they are responsible for their parents’ happiness but this is not true. Your Mum is responsible for herself and has her own life to lead, just as you have yours. This doesn’t mean you love each other any less. But it does mean you may spend more time apart. 

Make sure you encourage your Mum to explore and develop her own interests and friendships as she may find this period a little challenging. And of course, keep spending time with her regularly and tell her that you love her. This is an exciting new life stage for you both – embrace it.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

Does She Still Want to be my Girlfriend?

Does She Still Want to be my Girlfriend?

Does She Still Want to be my Girlfriend?

dearlucretia.com does she still want to be my girlfriend

Dear Lucretia,

My girlfriend doesn’t show me any affection. She used to cuddle and kiss me all the time but I really don’t think she wants to anymore.

My biggest fear is that she’s falling out of love with me and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve tried to talk to her but she gets weird and doesn’t want to talk about it. I feel so ugly and unlovable.

Katie, 17 years old

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Dear Katie,

You can tell something is different in your relationship but it sounds like your girlfriend isn’t ready to talk about it. Are there other things going on in her life that may be affecting her? Is she stressed or anxious about something? There could be many reasons why her behaviour has changed.

It is always best to have open and honest conversations in our relationships. Sometimes we are too afraid to do this because we are scared of what we might find out. But, if you don’t talk you will never resolve the situation.

Find a quiet time to talk things over with your girlfriend. Tell her how you feel and what you are worried about. Then let her tell you how she feels.  

If the worst happens and she doesn’t want to be with you anymore, please remember this does not mean you are ugly or unlovable. It just means she is not the right person for you.

The right person will always see the beauty that lies within you.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

Why do I get Jealous all the Time?

Why do I get Jealous all the Time?

Why do I get Jealous all the Time?

Dear Lucretia,

Why am I always jealous even when he chooses me over and over again?

Mari, 17 years old

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Dear Mari, 
A lot of women and girls experience jealousy and I think it is an inside job. Basically, jealousy is a reflection of all the negative things we believe about ourselves. We take all those beliefs and stories, and then project them out onto the people around us.

I’m going to start with the premise that your guy is doing all the right things. He’s not flirting with other girls, has good boundaries and always lets you know that you’re a priority for him. But, if he’s ticking all these boxes, is respectful and doing everything right, why the jealousy?

I’m guessing you realise your jealousy isn’t logical. But it’s not about logic, is it?

Jealousy reflects how we feel about ourselves.

Mari, do you put your guy on a pedestal and feel like he is too good for you? If so, I want to let you know, he’s not. He’s definitely not too good for you. He is also not perfect. I know you might think he is, and he may have many fabulous qualities. In fact, I’m sure he does if you really care about him. But I can assure you of one fundamental truth: he is not perfect because no human being is perfect. He has flaws just like you and me.

When you look at him and think he is the most perfect person, you’re not good enough for him and he is better than you deserve, I want you to catch yourself having those thoughts. Then remind yourself that those thoughts are not true. They are only a story you are telling yourself. He is not perfect but, he might be perfect for you.

If you decide to leave him on that pedestal, one day he will fall off because he is human. That will be a really difficult and disappointing day for you and a very uncomfortable day for him as well. Give him a break, take him off the pedestal and recognise that he’s not perfect.

Secondly, let’s look more closely at those jealous thoughts. These might include, “they want what I have”, “they’re going to take what I have”, “I’m not as good as that person”, etc.

Your guy might be talking to other girls and you will be thinking, “I just want them to get away from him!” But, if he’s just being friendly and acting like a normal human being, then your thoughts are coming from a place of not feeling good enough.

Culturally, we are taught to compete with other girls and women. This is unhealthy and it’s no wonder we experience feelings of jealousy and insecurity when we see them around the guys we care about.

I want you to step back, look at yourself and work really work hard on recognising the things about you that are unique and beautiful. I am sure you have lots of amazing qualities. Remember, sometimes other people love the things we don’t like about ourselves. For example, you might have an unusual laugh that always helps other people to laugh more. You don’t like it, but they think it’s fantastic. You might dislike part of your body but other people will think, “Oh my God, I wish that I had that.” This is how insecurity works. We look at ourselves and believe we are lacking in some way. But it’s all just a story we tell ourselves to make sure we stay small instead of recognising we are amazing. And yes Mari, you are amazing. 

Look around your interior world and the stories you are telling yourself about who you are. I’m sure a lot of those stories are completely untrue. It’s quite possible the stories you are telling yourself about other girls are also untrue.

Remember, people can have friendly conversations but that doesn’t mean there’s a romantic underlying theme. If your guy can talk to other people easily then he has strong social skills and that helps to make him a good partner.

A lot of people experience jealousy and it’s something we really need to work on. It helps when you understand that it’s an inside job starting with you and we don’t need to compete with other girls and women.

And one more thing…those girls are probably not even be looking at your guy in a romantic way. Instead, it’s likely they are worrying about how they look, if they should have worn a different outfit or a different pair of shoes, or if the other guy across the room is looking at them. This is how our minds work. It’s crazy, isn’t it?

I hope this advice helps you Mari.

Lots of love,

Got a question?

Lucretia gives honest and practical advice to help you choose the best path for you. It’s all about taking the filters off and helping young women value themselves more. Click the button to ask your question today!

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